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So close to having Millie, you can't really see the baby weight, yet." She was stalling, trying to gird herself for what was to come."It happened after we moved into the new house. I was vacillating between depression and anxiety. It was like living in a BINGO machine, bouncing around, from day to day, like an idiot."Brian, you were so happy with the new ball team, getting settled as an owner and player, and I was so confused, needy, angry, and depressed, with nothing to blame it all on."He was an assistant manager at one of the stores in the mall. I was miserable inside, lousy company for you, and we both knew it, but you NEVER spoke harshly to me, told me to buck up, or did anything to justify my cheating on you ... on us, really."All of us."He was sweet and thoughtful, and when he came into the dressing room with me, I stood still and let him take my clothes off, one piece at a time. My brain was screaming at me to slap his face, and run, but my body responded so forcefully, that. Ihad turned a gift of love into something I used to hurt others with! Ihad caused so much pain and sorrow to others unknowingly in my selfishdesire to be safe within. God does not make useless things! EverythingGod has made and will make has its own purpose. Only God really knowswhat that purpose is! My purpose is to freely share these gifts withothers not hide away and protect myself from further hurt and pain.This understanding put many things together that were like a jigsawpuzzle seconds before. My being androgynous is a gift, not a curse! Ithas a purpose which God knows well but I do not. I will use this giftas such from now on! I will use it to help others and stop thinking ofmyself as a poor, suffering boy stuck looking like a girl! I will notbe as stupid as others and leave everything for God to decide for me!What a lame way to blame any unwanted outcome on God and not ourselves!I answered my mother then, "I would love to visit Helen and I willvisit her as Rachel. I would.
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